The bean counters of BoGIn

5085594028_fc5d378a40_zThe bean counters at BoGIn (Bank of Good Intentions) noticed that some people came to the bank to get mortgage advice and others for personal loans. In fact there was a lot of money to be made by persuading people to borrow money. So they decided to make some reforms. A memo was circulated informing staff that customers will only be able to deposit money in the afternoons- it was to be called the ‘deposition clinic’. Similarly customers would only be able to make withdrawals on Wednesday mornings. Additionally this service would be manned by the most junior clerks who must have all their work checked by the bank manager who would also spend the day at meetings reporting his branch’s performance on key performance indicators.

Customers who withdraw their money are not good for business.

Bank tellers were ordered to ask every customer to fill out a form documenting how much they owe other banks. Customers must always do this before tellers can attend to any other reason the customer came to the bank. Forms must be completed with a black pen and the signatures witnessed by two independent adults. Bank tellers would earn a bonus every time a customer takes out a loan and would accrue points towards promotion if the customer takes out a mortgage at 5% above the cheapest rate on the market.

The bank managers and their staff were shocked. How was this to be achieved? However the bean counters pointed out that the shareholders required the staff to be accountable and there was a need to increase profits by at least 25% this year. A percentage agreed by the committee of bean counters advising the shareholders.

But we are doing so well. The bank makes a hefty profit and our customers are among the most satisfied in any industry. We offer a service. We listen to our customers. We try to help our customers achieve great things that keep our economy afloat.

The bean counters were not impressed and threatened to force managers to be recertified every year or lose their right to bonus payments. Many managers have since found alternative employment. Recently the CEO of BoGIn attended her branch to deposit a cheque. She queued for hours before she was first asked to complete a form documenting her debts and given a brochure on mortgages. Then she was informed she could only make deposits in the afternoon so she had to return the next day. The bean counters have been sacked and were last seen at the department of health next door.

Picture by DaMong Man

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