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Change your reactions to change your results

In 2017 you can expect to be challenged because it is unlikely that everything will go to plan. As in everything in life you have a choice how to react but you may find it difficult to exercise that choice because of your habits. You can bear witness to these habits in your interactions at work next week. According to the Karpman drama triangle you are likely to be your own worst enemy.

When ‘bad things’ happen you may react in one of three ways initially:

Victim

‘Poor me!’

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One that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent

(1):  one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions

(2):  one that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment. Merriam Webster 

From the victim’s perspective it’s their fault. ‘They’ did it to you. It’s the government, the company, the patients, the clients, your  boss. If not them it’s the weather, the traffic, your genes. There is nothing you can do but complain.

Rescuer

‘Let me help you’ (and thus keep you dependent on me).

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A person who pretends to suffer or who exaggerates suffering in order to get praise or sympathy. Merriam Webster

From the rescuer’s (martyr’s) perspective they are surrounded by people who make unreasonable demands. Nobody can get the job done without their help. It may mean cancelling holidays and working weekends but there is nothing for it.

Persecutor

‘It’s all your fault.’

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 The Persecutor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritative, rigid, and superior. Wikipedia

From this perspective it’s time to put your foot down. ‘Enough is enough’. ‘They’need to be brought into line.

It has been suggested that we move in and out of these roles. However everyone has a default position and in most cases it is the ‘rescuer’. This may be because:

It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the rescuer. When he/she focuses their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. This rescue role is also very pivotal because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs. Karpman Drama Triangle.

At this time as we launch on another round of New Year’s resolutions. Our results may already be predicted.

  1. How many times over the past week, while you were allegedly on holiday,  have you responded to email or taken phone calls for work?
  2. How many times have you felt compelled to work even though you were on ‘holiday’?
  3. In how many conversations over dinner have you moaned about your job?
  4. What will be the first topic of conversation at work after the polite “How was your Christmas”?

The antithesis of a drama triangle lies in discovering how to deprive the actors of their payoff. Therefore if your default position is ‘rescuer’ you may want to consider whether, or perhaps which, of your own problems you are avoiding. Keep a close eye on your behaviour next week. That may be a better place to start making meaningful resolutions this year. For best results also consider reading: The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier. You may also enjoy in praise of the quiet life.

Picture by Brandon Warren

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